Tuesday 12th July was the last day I could actually eat whatever I wanted until the evening of Friday 15th July. Why? Well I was going to start the process of clearing out my bowels for my impending colonoscopy.
So, what is a colonoscopy? Well, it is an endoscopic examination of the colon and the distal part of the bowel with a fiber optic camera on a very VERY long tube which is passed through your anus. It enables the the consultant to see any polyps or ulcerations and to enable biopsies to be done.
So, let's get back to the 3 days before this procedure. Countdown day 3 wasn't too bad, I went out for an extremely alcoholic evening meal with steak, chips, tiramasu and wine. I thought if I was going to have to starve myself I would make the most of my 'last supper'. I must admit, I did make quite a pig of myself, however I felt totally justified in doing so - I just hope my colon agreed with me during the 'cleansing'.
2 days before the procedure I was put on a special exclusion diet, this meant nothing with fibre, including potato skins, fruit, salad or cereal. So I kept it simple, eggs for breakfast, cheese for lunch and chicken for dinner in the evening.
24 hours before the procedure I started the chemical prep, 10 senna tablets all at the same time with plenty of water followed by a sachet of preparation I had to mix with a pint of water. I was also only allowed to have clear liquids. I can often go a whole day without eating, just forgetting to stop and grab something is so easy. However, the fact that I wasn't allowed to eat was killing me. It was the weirdest feeling in the world. Just like a child when you say no you want to do it even more.
Now, this chemical laxative drink thing, well, when I first took itI thought well this isn't too bad. An hour later I was wondering what all the fuss was about. Then I started to feel a little discomfort, then a sharp pain. Then I thought 'bugger' and ran to the loo. Well, I was there, with my book, for at least half hour. Every time I thought I could move, nope my body decided differently. All in all I think I spent at least the majority of the evening before getting rid of 44 years worth of food, or that is how it felt. I am so surprised that I didnt damage the loo with the Gforce of it all. It also exhausted me as well so much that I decided bed was the answer at 11:00.
The day of the procedure I had to take another chemical sachet at 7am. The effect this time was almost immediate. My body must have thought it was a good idea to empty that stuff as quickly as possible. So I picked up my book and took myself off to the little bathroom again and just hung around on the loo until I felt there was no more to give. I could be more graphic, but there may be children and people with a sensitive nature reading this.
On arriving at the hospital with my good friend Liz, I got shown to the day surgery unit. Lots of questions were asked, lots of answers were given, the nurse even asked me for the details of the HR recruitment team once she knew where I worked - her daughter is out of work... Anyways, they left got what they needed and left me to read my book
About 10 minutes later the surgery nurse came to collect me to take me through to the theatre. Now I don't know if you have ever been to day surgery, but you walk by the side of the bed, which the nurses are pushing, in your gown with your arse hanging out the back feeling like you really shouldn't be there. None of this sitting in the bed while they wheel you in like in the movies.
Anyways, when I arrived in the theatre I saw the fiber optic camera. I commented to the consultant that it was rather thick and long and that I didn't expect it all to go in surely. He replied with the fact that my colon is about 5 feet long and yes most of it would. GULP.
The nurses asked me to get on the bed and to relax while they 'juice me up'. I was attached to a heart monitor and given an IV with a sedative it. An interesting thing then happened; my heart rate shot up to 185 and the nurse went "ooh a slight cardiac infraction". It didn't take long for it to go back to normal, which is 75 and both nurses and consultant were happy. (Now me being me looked that up on the Internet when I got home - Heart Attack screamed right back at me....) The next thing that was given to me was Pentathol, a sedative (again looking up on the Internet when I got home - Pentathol = lots of different things, Truth serum and euthanasia being two of them). Anyway I digress, I think both of these should have put me to sleep but I was far more interested in what was going up my bum.
Firstly I was on my side and in it went, I didnt feel a thing. The monitor sprung to life and I saw the start of my bowel in all its colourful glory. The consultant talked me through everything as he was going along, pretty chatty really. Then we got to a turning and I had to move around to make it less painful. Apparently this procedure went on for about 40 minutes, and people normally sleep through it, but to me it was extremely interesting and only seemed like 5 minutes - oh and as soon as I heard the pop as the camera came out I went out like a light.
An hour or so later I was woken up with a nice cup of tea, some biscuits and a smiley nurse. Everything seemed to go okay and I only needed to wait for the results which should be in a few weeks. I was so well that I even walked home with my friend at my side of course.
My evening meal was the most welcome thing I had ever eaten. Chicken Pie, mashed potatoes peas and carrots all washed down with a lovely glass of Chardi.
The worse thing about this whole episode, it made me dog tired for a whole week after. I was nowty, grumpy, argumentative etc and oh so tired. The actual preparation (nuclear diarrhea) and the procedure on the day itself was nothing to be scared of and relatively painless.
So, what did I learn with all this experience.
1) There is no point in worrying, you cant change anything without knowing what needs to be changed
2) Humour goes a long way when dealing with a scary situation
3) I could have put vodka in my prep juice
4) Food tastes so much better when you have to wait for it
5) Talk to your consultant, they do like it
6) Only check things out on the Internet if you really want to know - it can be scary sometimes
All in all a very good learning experience that will need to be repeated every 4 years or so, but as I have now done my first one I am completely at ease with it.
Just need to get my results now.
Here is a very funny clip I found on YouTube about a colonoscopy. Enjoy.
